


My Blessing

by Mercurians



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff, Developing Relationship, F/M, Fluff, M/M, POV First Person, Yooran fic from Saeyoung's POV heyyyy, it's mostly about Saeyoung tho, mental illness issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-02
Updated: 2016-12-02
Packaged: 2018-09-03 19:34:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8727508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mercurians/pseuds/Mercurians
Summary: Saeyoung Choi is watching his twin brother and his best friend fall in love. It's a complicated feeling.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I always wanted to do a chapter from Saeyoung's perspective for my Yoosung/Saeran fic, but as soon as I started writing, I knew this would take on a life (and length) of its own. While they are in the same canon, you don't need to read my other fic to understand what's happening here.
> 
> Content warning for mentions of childhood abuse. And shout out to Fo and Rain, for helping me with the parts I was stuck on. Thank you!!

And they thought I wouldn’t notice~

Let’s be honest. Even if I didn’t see the way they looked at each other the first time they met in person, all attentive and shy and cute. Even if I didn’t hear Saeran on the phone in his bedroom at two in the morning, laughing the way he only laughs for Yoosung. Even if I were blind to Yoosung’s adorably poor attempts at “subtle” flirting. Even without noticing the extra visits, the second lunchbox, the lollipop in the backseat, the puppy sticker on his laptop, the awkward glances, the dopey smiles....

Even without all that, I would know. He’s my twin brother, after all.

... And I’ll admit, I had a little bit of fun with them. Mostly Yoosung.

“Um, so, is Saeran here?” That time was maybe two months after they started hanging out. Yoosung was sitting on my couch after inviting himself over for a hangout session with “the Choi family.” Of course my brother’s absence was apparent to him right away. He asked the question with a nervous smile, bouncing his legs up and down. Such a cute puppy.

“He’s still in the shower,” I said, leaning against the back of the couch, “but I’m starting to get worried....”

“Huh?” The leg bouncing stopped immediately. “Why? Is something wrong?”

“It’s just been so long. I think he might just be stuck in there. Maybe he fell down, or maybe his foot got caught in the drain pipe.”

Yoosung frowned. “You’re messing with me again.”

“No, I really mean it. Really.” I gripped the couch and closed my eyes, pulling off this serious expression to really sell the lie. “In fact, I think you should go in there and check.”

Insta-Blush achieved! #ff0000, 40% opacity!

“Wh-why would _I_ go in there? _You_ should check on him!”

“I’m his brother! It would be so improper. No....” I leaned in close, hovering over his face. “I really think... he’d prefer that it be you....”

80% opacity!

“Wh- wh- what do you....”

Unfortunately for me, a door opened down the hall just then, and out came Saeran in a t-shirt and jeans, his bath towel still draped over his head. “Oh. Yoosung’s here.”

“Hi, Saeran!” Yoosung had that big grin, although his face was still red, and I could tell he was struggling somewhat. Trying to keep back the impure thoughts, I assume.

Saeran glanced at the floor. “Hi,” he said softly, and retreated to his room. When he came back out, he was wearing a fresh coat of eyeliner and the really nice sweater with the argyle pattern.

God, they were so obvious!

 

 

 

It surprised me how fast Yoosung got him to open up. I mean... open up by Saeran standards. For Saeran, admitting that he’s hungry is the average person’s equivalent of sharing a deep, dark secret. Saeran saying “thank you” is tantamount to an average person’s love confession.

“Thank you, Yoosung.” He accepted the plastic cup of water from Yoosung’s hands, placing it on the table in front of him.

We were in a small conference room at the C&R building, waiting for the other members to arrive so that we could start our meeting. Ever since V.... Ever since we lost V, the distribution of duties within RFA had been a bit up in the air. Thankfully, we were all closer than ever. We tried to meet like that at least once a month, partially for party planning, and partially just to visit.

“You’re welcome,” Yoosung said, taking the chair directly beside him even though there were twelve open spots around the room. “Are you sure you don’t want coffee? You look tired.”

Saeran shook his head. “I don’t drink coffee.”

“Really?” Yoosung leaned over, folding his arms on the table and resting his head on them. He was turned to look up at Saeran, staring at him him intently. Watching them from across the table, I had an idea. I took out my phone while Yoosung continued speaking. “Is the taste too bitter? Some places make coffee that’s really sweet. Maybe you’d like that.”

Saeran had his eyes fixed on the plastic cup. “It’s not that. Caffeine makes me....” He shrugged. “I just don’t like it.”

Trying to be inconspicuous, I rested my phone on the edge of the table, letting the camera peek out just enough to take this photo. I snapped a few just for safety, then lifted the phone to take a look. It was really a perfect picture: Yoosung resting his head on the table, gazing up at Saeran like a smitten schoolboy. He was backlit by the orange mid-autumn sunshine coming through the windows. It was quite the dramatic effect. I had to bite back my grin as I opened it in the photo editing app, ready to have some fun with him.

Their conversation continued. “That’s too bad,” Yoosung said. “I make pretty good coffee. What sort of drinks do you like? Tea? Soda? Oh, that has caffeine too, huh....”

“Tea’s okay. And....” His voice trailed off. He took a drink of his water, trying to avoid whatever he was about to say.

I was drawing something onto the photo with my index finger, but I glanced up just in time to watch Yoosung’s mouth spread into a coy grin.

“Juice?” he guessed. “Hot cocoa?”

Bingo and bingo.

Saeran’s face turned red almost instantly, and Yoosung started giggling. “That’s so you,” he said. “You act all tough, but you like the cutest things.”

“Shut up.” Saeran’s voice was quiet, and I knew he was deliberately trying not to sound aggressive. “At least I don’t eat out of dishes made for children.”

Yoosung sat up. “Are you talking about my whale bowl? My friends said it was age appropriate.”

“If your age is eight years old, maybe.”

Instead of arguing back, Yoosung laughed, letting himself sink back onto the table. It’s funny—he never laughed at _my_ teasing. Yoosung with a crush was a sight to behold.

“I guess so,” he said. “I like it anyway.”

At that point, I’d finished editing the picture. I’d drawn little golden doggy ears on smitten Yoosung’s head, and a tail peeking up from behind the table. Above him were the words “PUPPY LUV,” and I threw in some pink hearts for good measure, too.

Saved, attached to a text, and sent.

A small buzz came from under the table, and Yoosung sat up to take his flip phone out of his pocket. I watched with anticipation as he pressed a few buttons, took a hard look at his screen, and then....

“Saeyoung!” His reaction was just as good as I’d hoped. He snapped his phone shut and clasped it between his hands. His face was flushed again, and he looked like he was about to sink below the table.

“Did you like my art?” I said. “I think I captured your true essence.”

Saeran glanced back and forth between us both, his expression somewhere between annoyance and confusion.

Yoosung stood up, putting his hands on the table and leaning in vindictively. As vindictive as he could be while stuttering, at least. “I-I don’t get what this is about, but I know you’re trying to make fun of me. I don’t appreciate it. I’m... I’m going to wait outside for everyone else.”

I watched him walk out of the room without another word, then glanced over at Saeran. For a fraction of a second, he looked upset. But then he went back to drinking his water, completely straight-faced.

“You should go after him,” I said.

“No.”

In the back of my head, I’d been keeping a running tally.

Words said by Saeran to Yoosung in those four minutes: 42.

Words said by Saeran to me that entire day: 23.

 

 

 

She’s always there when I’m losing track of my thoughts.

I tend to get wistful at night. What can I say? Even in an underground bunker, the Moon’s sentimental powers are hard to ignore. All these thoughts bubble up in me like the tides. I used to have to deal with them alone.

Now, she holds me. That night I was lying beside her, my face in the crook of her neck, as she held my back in one hand and ran her fingers through my hair with the other. Nights like that, silently tangled up with her, breathing in her smell, her warmth... they were kind of like meditation. Replacing all my racing thoughts for this total concentration. It was mindfulness, or something.

On nights when she broke those silences, I knew she had something important to say.

“Yoosung seemed upset at you today.”

“Ah.” I sighed, forcing a smile for my own sake. “I was teasing him a little.”

“Over Saeran?”

“Yeah.”

“Hmmmm.” The hum was familiar to me by this point. It was more a show of concern than frustration.

“Sorry,” I said, pulling away so that I could see her expression. “I know you think that I shouldn’t. But I don’t think he’s going to figure it out on his own.”

“It’s not that I think you _shouldn’t_. It’s just....” She smiled. “I think you might be doing the _Seven_ thing.”

“Being extraordinarily talented and charming? I think that’s a Saeyoung thing now.”

She laughed. “Well, obviously. But no. You know what I mean, right?”

I watched her take my hand, interlacing her fingers with my own. Her hands were so much smaller than mine.... I had to try not to fixate on it, and focus on our conversation instead. “You think I’m deflecting.”

“I think it’s bothering you more than you’ll admit. I know it’s a lot to consider, but Yoosung’s going to figure it out eventually, and I doubt he’ll hold still for long after that.” She tilted her head. “Saeyoung. Can you deal with the reality of it?”

The question pierced right through me. She could really read me like a book, huh? I didn’t exactly know what to say, so I rolled onto my back, staring up at the ceiling. “Let’s just see how this plays out.”

 

 

 

How it played out only got more surprising. Yoosung’s classes started picking up around early winter, but that didn’t seem to stop him from coming over about once a week. At first he scheduled his visits through me, sending innocuous texts asking for homework help or quality gaming time. Eventually he must’ve started asking Saeran directly, because most of the time I’d walk out of my bedroom and just find him there on the couch, chatting up my brother. But he always seemed excited to see me, too, so sometimes I would join them.

One conversation in particular stands out to me.

He was sitting on our loveseat, his knees curled up to his chest, while Saeran and I sat on the couch. Yoosung looked miserable. He’d come straight from school, so his backpack was lying on the floor, and he was still wearing his hoodie. “Thanks again for letting me come over, Saeran, Saeyoung. I really felt like I needed to come here. You- you guys always cheer me up, so.... Ugh.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Sorry. I’m being such a baby.”

I watched Saeran for a moment, waiting for him to respond. His eyebrows were furrowed with concern, but he wasn’t saying anything. Maybe if I weren’t there, he’d have spoken up. I wasn’t great at comforting people either, but I knew I had to try.

“Don’t get too depressed about it,” I said. “How about I help you cheat next time? Or hey, I could get into the system and change your grade for you!”

He shook his head, eyes lowered to the floor. “It’s not about the grade, really. I’m just... disappointed in myself. I used to do so well. I was such a good student before....”

As his voice trailed off, I watched Saeran tense up. I must’ve had the same reaction. Yoosung didn’t talk about her so much those days.... Could you blame him? He never showed it, but he was probably all twisted up inside, totally confused over what happened. I’m sure he didn’t like to think about it.

At times like that, I felt bad for not sharing the truth with him, for not letting his doubts finally rest. But I really believed I was doing the right thing. I saw how he was after Rika first disappeared. For a while, he wasn’t going to his classes at all, which means he probably wasn’t eating properly, either, or sleeping well. Admittedly I’m no stranger to those kinds of emotions. But I was always able to keep moving at times when my head got like that. I could keep smiling, keep my mind on more important things.

Yoosung didn’t have that ability. Hearing the brutal truth could risk so much more than his grades. And I just.... I couldn’t put him in that position. I couldn’t put him in danger.

He started sniffling. I watched Saeran fidget with his hands, saying nothing. Was it because I was there? I decided to leave, to let him comfort Yoosung in private, but before I stood up, Yoosung continued talking.

“I’m still such a mess without Rika,” he said, his voice breaking. “I can’t motivate myself, even knowing that she’ll probably come back and see how much I’ve screwed up. She’ll be so disappointed in me.” He hunched over, pressing his hands against his eyes. “So why can’t I get it together?”

“Saeran,” I said. He’d curled his legs up against his chest and was already breathing more rapidly, erratically. I put a hand on his back, and when he didn’t flinch at the sudden contact, I started rubbing slow circles below his shoulder blades. “Just breathe, okay? You’re alright.... It’s okay.” He hid his face on his knees.

Yoosung watched us, any sadness on his face now replaced with fear. “Saeran, are you okay? Did I... say something wrong?”

I frowned. “He’ll be okay. Just breathe....”

“Can’t I do something to help?”

“Actually, Yoosung, I think it’s probably better if you leave.”

“No.” Saeran lifted his face from his knees. He looked more calm. His breathing was steady. “No. You don’t have to go,” he said.

Hesitantly, I took my hand off of his back.

“Are you sure?” Yoosung said. “I hope I didn’t do anything to upset you.”

Still curled up around his legs, Saeran picked at one of his fingernails, staying quiet for a long time. Then he shrugged. “Family’s just a sore subject.”

I’m glad that Yoosung was focused on him and not me. I’m sure in that moment, my face gave away all of the confusion, pity, frustration... the whole mess of emotions I was feeling right then. Keeping his history with Rika a secret was one thing. But lying about his emotions like that....

“God, I’m sorry,” Yoosung said. “I won’t bring it up again, okay? We don’t have to talk about my classes, either. Let’s talk about whatever you want.”

Saeran turned his head just a fraction toward me, and I knew that he wanted me gone. I made some stupid excuse and got up to leave the living room. After turning the corner down the hall, I stood still for a moment, listening. Saeran’s voice was, soft, almost a whisper. “You’re not a mess,” he said. I continued to my room.

Later that night, I visited Saeran in his bedroom. He gave me permission to come in, but I stood at the doorway, assuming he’d appreciate the extra space between us.

“Can we talk about what happened earlier?”

He put his book face down on the bed and sat up, staring at the blank wall directly across the room. “What about it?”

I spoke slowly, searching for signs of panic on his face so that I could stop if he needed me to. “I didn’t want to tell Yoosung about everything that happened with his cousin,” I said, “but I think, now that you’re friends, it’s a lot worse to make you lie about how you’re feeling.”

He didn’t react.

“Hey, I... I know that Yoosung cares about you. I can tell that you care about him, too. I don’t know what’s going to happen between the two of you, but....”

Saeran pressed his forehead against the wall beside his bed, facing away from me.

I took a breath. “Listen,” I pleaded. “All I wanted to say is that it’s your call, when and how we tell him the truth. I’ll do it myself, if you want. Hell, anyone who knows will take that burden for you. You’re the last person who should have to-”

“I’ll tell him.”

We fell silent. I heard him release a shuddering breath.

“But not yet. Please.”

So when? I wanted to ask. Some twin telepathy would’ve been really helpful at that moment. If it were just anxiety and apprehension, he could’ve put the burden on me. But I think there was something more than that.

I had a lot of guesses. In retrospect, two of them seem the most plausible.

Explanation one: Saeran believed that Yoosung would react poorly. Take it out on him. Maybe even abandon him? So he wanted to put that off, for obvious reasons.

Explanation two: Saeran wanted to get closer to him. Maybe he knew Yoosung considered him special. Maybe he wanted to replace her in Yoosung’s heart, so when he shared the truth, it wouldn’t be such a loss.

When I think of him then, face to the wall, trying to withhold his emotions.... I’m not sure which to believe.

Before leaving, I had one last thing to mention. “Hey Saeran? I’m proud of you, by the way. You had me worried when he started talking about her, but you were able to calm down so quickly.” I took hold of the doorknob. “You’ve made a lot of progress, you know?”

He sighed, turning his head so that I could see his face. He looked tired. “Thanks, Saeyoung.”

 

 

 

This is getting a little grim, isn’t it? Let me readjust! I don’t like sad stories, and I don’t want to make it sound like everything between them was tense or secretive. They were mostly _so_ happy around each other. The longer they hung out, the more Saeran started smiling. Not just around Yoosung, but in general. Yoosung’s grades improved around the time that his flirting became deliberate. Mid-February or so? And they were so cute! Just, really, really cute.

Like, for example: the first time Saeran added a profile picture in the messenger, it was a photo of a sticker that Yoosung gave him.

Yoosung started appearing in the messenger less frequently, being so busy with school, but he logged in like clockwork around 11 PM daily, the same time Saeran usually came online.

Once Saeran tried wearing this black choker from his old wardrobe. He seemed so self-conscious about it, until Yoosung said it was, quote, “super badass.” He didn’t take it off for a week after that.

Before this one RFA meeting, we caught Yoosung folding these paper origami stars and putting them in a jar. He refused to tell us why. I guess he thought he was being sneaky, but we all sort of knew.

As the weather warmed up, Saeran started taking more walks on his own, cell phone in hand. He’d come home after a half an hour looking worn and sun kissed and _happy_ , I mean really sincerely happy, and plop down on the couch, setting his phone on the coffee table.

And sometimes, when we were at a meeting or a restaurant, I’d catch Yoosung staring blissfully out a window, smiling at nothing in particular. Sometimes he would just sigh to himself, like a girl in some romance movie.

God, were they smitten.

And the flirting!! It’s adorable how Yoosung thought he was being subtle, because it was _constant_.

“Did you see my selfie, Saeran? You should take one, too!”

“My mom keeps asking if I have a girlfriend yet.... Saeran, have you ever dated anyone?”

“Saeran and I make such a good team, right?”

“I think Saeran could be good at anything he really tried at.”

“You’re awake! Good morning, Saeran.”

“Saeran, you had breakfast already, right?”

“I can’t wait to see you tomorrow, Saeran.”

“Saeran... Sweet dreams~”

 

 

 

“He talked to me about Yoosung today,” she said.

At some point, she became my secret agent, my woman on the inside. Captivating spy! Infiltrate my moody brother’s heart, and report back with whatever secrets you manage to steal!

Okay, it was nothing as invasive as that. What happened is that, around March, Saeran started opening up to her more. I guess they had a good conversation while I was at the store one day. Some talk about books that became a talk about family that became a talk about the future. And suddenly, she was in.

To be clear, she was always very protective of my brother’s privacy. But she’d share some general tidbits with me, just to let me know how he was doing.

“A talk about Yoosung, huh?” Lying in bed with my laptop on my stomach, I watched her get changed at the foot of the bed. “Anything really juicy?”

She tilted her head back and forth playfully. “A couple interesting things, here and there. Though it wasn’t all such a fun conversation.” I lost sight of her face as she pulled on one of my t-shirts.

“Ah. Sad stuff?”

Her head popped out of the neck hole, and she pulled her hair out from under the shirt. “He’s a little conflicted. Uh, self-esteem issues, mostly.”

“He really _is_ my twin brother.”

She chuckled, climbing into bed beside me and landing her head on the pillow. “At least that means there’s hope for him.” She sighed softly. “I think he’ll be okay, once they talk it out. Yoosung’s a good kid.”

“Do you think so...?”

My hand was hovering above the trackpad of my laptop, my eyes zoned out on the keyboard. I heard her readjust herself at my side. “Do I think what? That Yoosung’s a good kid?”

“They’re sweet together,” I said. “But.”

“But?”

“Just sweet doesn’t handle mental illness. It doesn’t, like... coach someone through panic attacks and night terrors. Doesn’t know how to talk to an abuse victim.”

“That’s true,” she said, “but I think Yoosung’s proven himself more than capable enough to learn.”

“It’s still so soon,” I said. “It hasn’t even been a year since the hospital.”

“Saeyoung, we know as well as any couple that things like this don’t wait until you’re perfectly ready. I really think they’ll manage it! Don’t you?”

“He hasn’t told him about Rika.”

She got quiet. “Okay, yeah.” A heavy sigh. “There’s definitely that.” I heard her sit up beside me. “But there’s still time for him to fix that, too. It doesn’t mean they’d be a bad couple.”

Sliding the laptop out from under my hands and placing it off to the side, she sat in front of me, brushing her hair out of her eyes. Those eyes, usually wide with curiosity and excitement, were serious. Intense. It was that look she only gave when she really needed me to listen.

“You still haven’t worked through your feelings about this, huh?”

I frowned, my eyebrows furrowing with desperation. “I don’t know if I can. If I _should_.”

“Saeyoung. Can I tell you something harsh? Something that I need you to hear?”

I closed my eyes. After a deep inhale, a slow exhale, and a moment of total stillness, I spoke. “Hit me.”

“You need to accept that you’re not the only one who can help him. You can’t make him happy on your own.”

My eyes still closed, I felt the lingering weight of her words for a long time.

“Ouch.” I laughed dryly. “You got me.”

She put a hand on my thigh and squeezed softly, a gesture of reassurance. “Yup.”

 

 

 

I overheard a conversation they were having once, maybe a month before a certain little chat I had with Yoosung. I guess it made me think harder about some things.

And before you make assumptions, I wasn’t eavesdropping! My days of invading privacy are long over. They knew full well I was making a sandwich in the kitchen, fully within earshot of the living room couch. They didn’t even lower their voices.... Is it possible that Saeran wanted me to hear?

Augh, I can’t get caught up analyzing it.

“Hey, Saeran?” Yoosung sounded so timid. “Can I ask something... about your tattoos?”

Saeran took a long time to answer, but eventually he responded. “Go ahead.”

“I’ve been thinking. The eye symbol looks familiar, but I never wanted to ask. What is it?”

“It’s probably familiar because you got it in an email once. One that I sent. Do you remember?”

“Woah.... Right! I didn’t recognize it without the colors. So that means... Mint Eye tattooed their logo on you?”

Saeran paused. “It was my choice.”

“Oh. Do you regret it now?” God, Yoosung. Tactless as ever.

“Sometimes when I’m in public. But otherwise, no.” At this point I put down the knife I was cutting the sandwich with, standing completely still so that I could hear. But again, not eavesdropping! Saeran continued. “At this point I’ve learned to ignore unwanted marks on my body.”

“I think I can understand that,” Yoosung said. “But wait... are you talking about the scars? Sorry, you don’t have to talk about them, though.” I think it was by the grace of God that I didn’t storm into that room and shove a sock down his throat. My own sense of boundaries was iffy, but Yoosung was on another level.

“It’s okay. Yeah, I guess it’s the same idea.”

Yoosung’s voice got nervous and frantic. “You shouldn’t.... I mean, I just want you to know, if you ever think about, um... hurting yourself, you can call me right away. You can talk to me! I can distract you, we’ll talk about whatever-”

“They’re not... those kinds of scars,” Saeran said. “They’re mostly from my childhood.”

“Oh! God, sorry. I made an assumption.”

“It’s fine.”

“... Do you want to see the scar I got when I fell off my bike in middle school?”

And just like that, they were on another topic. Saeran didn’t even seem bristly about it. I guess that’s when I finally accepted... maybe there was more to this than a mutual attraction. More than the attention they gave to one another. More than relaxing conversation between two compatible people. Yoosung was too honest, but maybe that’s what Saeran needed. Empathy without pity.

There’s more too, although I wouldn’t admit it at the time. I think Yoosung gave Saeran something that no one else ever did. Not his brother. Not his future sister-in-law. Not a single other person in the RFA. And sure as hell not our mom, or anyone in Mint Eye.

Yoosung was never too cautious, or delicate, or cold. Aside from the flirting, he treated Saeran like any of his other friends. _That’s_ why Saeran liked him so much. Yoosung gave him space to be _normal_.

 

 

 

I should’ve seen it coming, but that night really did sneak up on me.

It was late May, almost exactly a year since I brought Saeran home from the hospital. Yoosung wanted to Skype one night, although he refused to tell us why. She and I sat around the desktop computer in my bedroom, waiting for him to phone in. When we finally connected, he asked us almost immediately.

“I’ve been asking everyone in the RFA this question. Um, I just want to know, for my own benefit.... What, do you think, is the best way to confess your feelings for someone?”

There it was. Of course we laughed at him, teased him, gave him a hard time for so transparently asking about my brother. Having known that this was coming, I managed to give him my blessing.

A conditional blessing.

“I’ll be at your place in twenty minutes,” I called to the computer while putting on my boots. I left without another word, heading to the garage.

Eighteen minutes later, I was knocking at Yoosung’s front door, a grocery bag in hand.

When Yoosung opened the door, he looked red-faced, like he’d been moving around before I arrived. Cleaning his room, probably. “Come on in,” he said, stepping aside so I could enter.

I walked into his bedroom without so much as a greeting. Pulling the chair out from his desk and whipping it around, I encouraged him to sit. Apprehensively, Yoosung shut the door, followed after me, and took a seat. I sat on the bed across from him.

He sat up straight, as though trying to make a good impression. “So what’s this-”

I cut him off, tossing a bag of Lais chips into his lap. “Snacks for you,” I said.

“Thanks...?”

I fished the bottle of Ph.D Pepper out of the grocery bag, which I dropped on the floor before uncapping the bottle to take a few large swigs. Yoosung opened the chips and took one out, biting down on it softly. Finished drinking, I recapped the bottle, set it down on the bed, and exhaled loudly. Then I stared at him.

“So,” I said.

“So,” he said.

“So you want to date my brother.”

“Yes.” He answered without hesitation.

I leaned back, putting my arms behind me to support myself. “Tell me about that.”

Yoosung chewed on a chip, his eyebrows furrowing. After swallowing, he shifted around a bit in his seat, and then spoke in an even tone. “I’ve liked Saeran for a really long time. He, um, makes me really happy. I think he’s cute and smart and fun to talk to, and really, really kind. For a long time, I’ve thought about whether or not I could be a good boyfriend to him.” The bag of chips crinkled as Yoosung’s grasp tightened. “I think that I can. Actually, if he really does have feelings for me, then I _know_ that I can. I would give everything I have to make him happy.” He closed his eyes. “So please, please give me your blessing. I’ll make him so happy, Saeyoung.”

“That’s nice,” I said, my voice flat. “I’m glad that you like my brother.” I licked my lips, then inhaled. “But do you want to hear the other side to this?”

He opened his eyes and stared at me earnestly. “I do,” he said.

I started in. “He wasn’t in the hospital long enough to get a full diagnosis, but the doctors gave me a few definites. Depression was one of them. Post-traumatic stress was another. They told me that he had the potential to recover, but they made clear that those things aren’t going away.” I sat up straight. “He’ll probably always have depression, for the rest of his life. The trauma started young enough that it will probably always affect him, too.”

I searched Yoosung’s face for reactions as I spoke. “ _Always_ , Yoosung. Do you understand? If you’re with him, you’re a part of his recovery, a recovery that’s not going to end as long as you’re together. He can’t be all fun to you. And he can’t be an experimental phase. You have to be there for him, whether he’s struggling or not.

“It’s like—” I was rambling now, and I knew it. But I couldn’t stop until I’d expressed everything in my head. “Listen. I’m not saying you have to go in with the intention of- of getting married or something. God, I can’t event think about that. All I’m saying is, you have to be prepared for when things are hard, even when it’s inconvenient for you. And if you’re not, you have to be prepared to live the rest of your life on my bad side. Okay, Yoosung?”

He hadn’t moved. For my entire speech, his expression hadn’t changed. Yoosung nodded. “I know all of that, Saeyoung. I’m ready for it.” He pursed his lips, and for a moment, it looked like he might cry. “I have so much to give, Saeyoung. I want him to have all of it.”

I leaned back again, focusing hard on his face. I don’t know what I was looking for in his expression. But it didn’t break. Even dewy-eyed, his face was full of resolve.

“There’s something else, too,” I said. “And this applies directly to you.”

“What is it...?”

I hadn’t planned to say this, but after hearing him speak, I knew it was necessary. “I need you to know that this isn’t about saving him, either.” I shook my head. “It’s not about proving yourself. It’s not about making yourself feel useful, or like less of a mess.”

At that point, he just looked shocked. When his voice came out, it was defensive. “That’s not what I-”

“I’m not trying to question your feelings, Yoosung. I know that you really care about him. But ask yourself honestly, were you glad when he started relying on you? Were you happy to feel needed?”

“I was! I was, but-”

I raised my voice. “Don’t confuse this. Don’t confuse wanting him with wanting to be needed. Don’t confuse liking him with-”

“Saeyoung!” He shouted it, leaning forward in his chair. Startled, I fell silent. “I don’t just like Saeran,” he said. “I’m in love with him.”

There was this shattering moment of honesty. I can’t explain what I was feeling then.... Actually, that’s not entirely true. I can explain what’s important about it, which is that I didn’t feel relief. I didn’t feel happy for Yoosung or for my brother. I didn’t feel pride, anticipation, or joy. In that moment, the feelings that I had weren’t tender. They weren’t affectionate. They weren’t so much as cautiously excited. So whatever they were, they were wrong. Selfish. Twisted. I know that now.

His eyes cast downward, Yoosung leaned back in his chair, taking a deep breath. He blinked a few times. “I’ve never said that out loud before.” Gathering a look of resolve, he stared up at me. “You know what the first thing that I liked about him was? Not in a romantic sense, just the first thing he did that ever made me happy.”

I assumed it was a rhetorical question, but he stayed silent for a long time. My voice weak, I forced myself to answer. “What.”

“He never treated me like a child. He never made me feel stupid or naive or lazy. Saeran is the only person in the RFA who trusts me enough to rely on me.” He broke our eye contact and stared out the window, toward the city lights or the night stars. “So yes, it does make me happy to support him. It makes me feel really good about myself. I won’t apologize for that. That’s not why I want to date him. I want to date Saeran because he’s the most precious person in my life.”

I saw something different in Yoosung’s face that night. Something I hadn’t seen before, not after everything we’d been through in our long friendship. It was something quiet, contemplative. But firm. Like the face of someone you want to entrust your life to.

Feeling physically weak, I stood up from his bed and bent down to pick the empty plastic grocery bag off the floor. I took my Ph.D Pepper and spoke to Yoosung, unable to bring myself to meet his eyes. “Thank you for talking to me. You have my blessing, not that you ever needed it. Saeran is his own person, and I know that he wants you. You’ll make him really happy.”

I left.

 

 

 

Downstairs, in the parking lot, I sat in the driver’s seat of my car. The key was sitting in the ignition, unturned. I had my head pressed against the steering wheel, and I was trying to collect my thoughts. There was too much to unpack. So much of it that I never wanted to touch.

I concentrated on the leather texture of the steering wheel against my forehead, trying to focus on only that. I wanted to fixate all of my brainpower on the sensation of rough material around hard plastic against skin. Like an exercise in mindfulness.

Mindfulness. I glanced up at the sky, and I realized that it was a full moon. Even after over a year, I still had to remind myself that I didn’t have to face these things alone anymore. I took out my cell phone and called her.

“Saeyoung! How did it go?”

“I think I really messed up.” I had phone phone in one hand while I gripped the steering wheel in another, clenching my fingers as tightly as I could. “I really think that I blew it.”

“What do you mean? What happened?”

“I upset Yoosung,” I confessed. “I made a rude judgement, and.... Do you think he hates me now? Do... you think they’ll both hate me?”

“Of course not,” she said tenderly. “Whatever happened, I’m sure you’re overthinking it. If Yoosung hated you, you would know.”

"I should've told him about Rika."

"We both should have. It's too late to worry about that now."

"God, I hope they don't hate me."

"They won't. They love you. Both of them."

 

 

 

Yoosung texted me later that night: “Thank you for your advice, Saeyoung. I promise I’ll take care of him no matter what.”

 

 

 

A week later, I had the opportunity to talk to Saeran. He was curled up at the end of the couch, his focus entirely on a paperback book in his lap. I snuck up behind the couch, careful not to let him notice as I leaned in toward him....

“What’s this?” I said directly in his ear. He jumped, and I held back a laugh. “What is it? Harlequin romance?”

“Fuck!” he said, leaning away from me. He closed the book and hid it against his chest. “Don’t sneak up on me, you asshole.”

I grinned. “I was just curious! Mean brother.” I nuzzled my face against his hair.

“Stop, stop, stop!” He put his hands directly in my face, pushing me away from him. “Oh my god. Stop being annoying.”

“Only when you stop being so cute!” I said. But ultimately I complied, moving a foot away from him before leaning against the back of the couch. “Actually, though. Can we talk about something?”

He sighed, putting down his book. “What?”

“You need to tell Yoosung about Rika soon.” When he didn’t flinch or show signs of distress, I added, “You’re running out of time to tell him, Saeran.”

“I don’t know what that means,” he said.

“I think you do. Things will get more complicated soon, so just remember that, okay? My offer to tell him myself still stands.”

Saeran said nothing, facing where I couldn’t see his expression.

I stood there, leaning against the couch for a long moment. “Hey, Saeran?”

He said nothing.

“I love you, okay?” I smiled, although he still wasn’t looking. “I love you. And I’m sure you know this, but that will never change, no matter what happens.”

He said nothing.

“I know that you’re afraid of people leaving. I wish I could tell you that they never will. But we both know that sometimes... people change, or they leave, or they can’t be what they were to you before.” I closed my eyes for a long time, and then opened them. “But that’s why I want you to know. No matter what happens with anyone else in your life, I’ll never leave you again. You’ll always have your twin brother here to fall back on. Okay?”

He said nothing. Eventually I went to my room so that he could continue reading.

 

 

 

It’s funny. I can always feel his affection for me strongest when he’s mad or annoyed. When I get serious like that and try to tell him my feelings, he closes off. The part of him that still doesn’t trust me... or the part of him that’s still hurt, or the part of him with too much pride to let me in.... That part raises up a wall, and it’s just like it was when I brought him back from the hospital. Total silence.

But when I tease him and play around, he fights back. He calls me “stupid brother” and pushes my face away. I can tell that he loves me because he never pushes hard, and he never uses words that will really hurt. That’s how I know that he cares.

So I guess this is the problem we share, huh? The great and powerful and emotionally stunted Choi twins, prone to insincerity at every turn. We close ourselves off. We send out glimmers of affection in jokes and pranks, eye rolls and insults, careful not to let anyone get too close.

She’s the one who finally cracked that wall for me. It’s like she just touched it, and the whole thing crumbled to the ground. For the first time in years, I could say what I was really feeling. It scared me at first, too, but look at how far I’ve come.

Can Yoosung be like that for Saeran? Can he tear that wall down and find the brother I left behind? Part of me looks at that naive video game addict and thinks, no way can I trust him with that. But another part of me knows as well as Saeran does how brilliant Yoosung is on the inside.

I’ll admit it. I had feelings for him once, too, and who knows what would have happened had he reciprocated. I used to imagine it, in my desperate moments, how he would pull me out of the cage I made for myself, help me build an impossible new life. I guess now I won’t have to imagine. I’ll see it all happen in front of me, like a dream brought to life.

God. She’s totally right about me. I’m jealous. I just got my brother back, and I’m practically handing him off to someone else, someone who he’ll shine so much brighter for. Someone who never even gave me a chance.

I have to remind myself of something, every single day. I play it like a mantra in my head.

There are things that only I can be for Saeran. There are parts of him that he’ll always entrust to only me. We’ve been together since birth, and the bond we share can’t be broken. No matter how distant we seem, I’ll always be right there.

 

 

 

Before heading to bed that night, I watched him over on the couch, still absorbed in his book. After a while he noticed my staring and looked up, frowning.

“What?”

I smiled and made a cat paw motion. “Sleep well tonight, Saera-nya~”

He rolled his eyes. “Idiot.” He looked back at his book, but I caught a tiny twinge of his cheeks. I let myself take this as evidence. I had to believe he was smiling.

I will always play a special role in Saeran’s life. He’s my twin brother, after all.


End file.
